It's not all me. It's not all my fault. I may remind you, but I won't take it all on.

Found out Friday, April 4th @ 8:30am in a phone call from my dad that my parents had a significant argument and were talking about divorce.   I skipped my 9am test, and  work that morning so that I could go home and save my sisters from life for a little while and because I was in no state to think clearly.   Turns out my efforts were somewhat in vain because I could not take them back to school with me for the weekend because they had commitments to attend to, however, I was able to take them after school Friday through Saturday afternoon.  They didn't want to stay home, and it pained me to leave them to their misery. 

I found out that my mother has had divorce papers in hand for 9 months. I guess I shouldn't be surprised since it's not like this is the first time that this topic has came up because I'm pretty sure I heard it thrown about for the past 10 years.  I even thought that I wasn't the worst idea, but I'm so scared for what is going to happen to my sisters.  I'm out of the house and in college, and my sisters are currently both in middle school; one just started, and the other is done with it this year.  I don't want them to have to deal with the whole visitation hours thing.  I hate that I can't be there with them all the time to help them deal with what is going to happen.  I want to steal them away to live with me so they don't have to listen to the constant fighting anymore.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know anybody that has been close to me go through a divorce, and if they have, it was when they were younger. 

I'm too sad and disappointed to share all the details I want to share.  I don't know how to express everything I'm feeling.  I'm still in sort of a denial.  It's still up in there air if they'll actually go through with the divorce... it's just a matter of time. 

I hate this.

Worst blog ever.

Ok, so I just found out that Matchbox 20 is having a concert on Feb. 4th in the Xcel Center with guest artists Alanis Morissette and Mute Math!!!! (No idea who MuteMath is....) WOOOO!! I'm soooo excited and am totally going to that concert if it kills me!

I have been horrible about analyzing my feelings in the past... mmm for good reasons I suppose, but at the same time, I definitely hurt myself by doing so. Idono. Where is the line between ignorance and neglect? Am I protecting myself from being hurt or am I doing the right thing by letting things just run their course? How much of my life am I in charge of? God gave us free will, but if God has pre-determined everything in my life, what part of it do I control? Do I control anything or does he just let me go through the steps of making a decision and then in the end make it for me anyhow? So many questions... this is why I try not to think. I hate asking questions that don't have answers. I hate wondering about the unknown because when I finally find out the answer, it'll probably be too late to share my knowledge with any living mortal.

"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
-- James Thurber

Am I happy? yes... no... yes... no... Why can't I give myself a straight answer? Maybe if I narrow the question: Superficially, am I happy? I'm doing well in school, I enjoy classes, I have friends, I have a boy friend that loves me, I appear healthy, I go out, I'm comfortable with my body, I had a wonderful birthday, I have a sweet dorm, haha! Yes, to the outside world, I am happy. Internally, am I happy? I love and am loved, I eat/sleep enough, I miss my wife and sisters, I wish I was more committed to piano, I am a bad girl friend, I'm having problems being honest with myself, I'm not happy with my current relationship. It has been going down hill for at least a month and a half now. We don't talk much, and when we do, well... and this weekend alone with him was just plain uncomfortable and slightly awkward. It got to the point where I didn't want him to kiss me. I think we were closer before we started dating. I need to talk to him... soon. So, internally... is being half happy possible?

Winter is coming... I need to have shit figured out before winter...

I hate winter.




Damnit I missed class.





Again, this applies (why am I just a lyric whore?):

Well I don't have the answers
can we just sit quietly
let the sound of the rain wash the doubt away
just start over
to hold your hand
to have your fingers in my hair
as I watch your mouth
tell me how you really love this

Oh love
I am not above
the fear of changing
the fear of failing
I am not
a solid rock
sometimes I have trouble
believing in me
believing in me

If I could see through you
everything you see in me
maybe I would cry
maybe I shouldn't try
'cuz no one's perfect
I would like the chance to breathe
to fill my lungs with grace
rest of letting go
I don't have to know all the answers

Oh love
I am not above
the fear of changing
the fear of failing
the fear of leaving
I am not
a solid rock
sometimes I have trouble
believing in me
believing in me

~Keri Noble

Ya know, I think this is the first year that I'm not excited for school to start. I need to be cheered up... I only have a month.

I planned on living in the International Center (sweet new building with AC, bigger room, and most of the exchange students) with my roommate of 2 years, and she is now going to France all year. I may either get some random person as my roommate or be rooming by myself... neither of which I am excited about. I need companionship, but I'm really not up for getting a new roommate. To live in this new building, it's like $300 extra per semester, and mom yelled at me for signing up to live there. Truth is, I kinda have to stay there 'cuz you have to apply to live there, and be a part of a committee. If I try to move buildings now, I will for sure get some random roommate in a shitty dorm. I had only planed to live in the International Center a semester because another friend is in Japan first semester, so I'll move to a different dorm with her second semester, but at least I'll have somebody. My other good friend is gonna be in Australia for the first semester. I'm pretty much alone first semester. I'm starting a whole new major, I'm scared. If this one doesn't work out, I'm pretty much fucked. I don't know where to go. I'll have to drop out of Gustavus. I really need to buckle down this year, and make this work and I'm worried that I'm gonna crash and burn. I'm usually an optimistic person, but for some reason, I'm failing to see the light.

Somebody please help me out

So, I'm back from Winnipeg. We (Katie, Steve, Geoff and I) got back around 2am Monday morning which ultimately sucked since I was supposed to work at 8 and consequently woke up at that time which led to me being quite late for work... go figure. Good thing I work for my mom's company! Talk about job security... anyways, back to Canada. It was a long drive to the border and even a longer ride home in pouring rain, tornado/hail warnings. We left around 9:30am on Friday and arrived around 3 in Winnipeg, Manitoba. We stayed at a hostel, which was pretty sweet (not to mention cheap! $24/night/person!!) Upon arrival we journied out in hopes to find poutine (a must have Canadian treat). Poutine is french fries with melted cheese curds and beef gravy poured on top (aka heart attack). Tasty stuff. Of course, with most every meal the rests of the weekend, we partook of alcoholic beverages mostly because we could... no worries though, we remained responsible adults as always. Then, of course we had to go bowling because in Canada, they have 5 pins and balls the size of bacce balls. I lost horribly, and Geoff mopped everybody with his less than impressive bowling skills (considering he got in the 100's whilst other Canadians get in the 400's...). We even had bumpers! Of course, we also ordered a pitcher of beer. After bowling, we bought a bottle of wine and proceeded to drink it in the hostel while playing cards. We found out Katie is less than a cheap drunk. A vagabond can afford to get this woman drunk! She apparently is also a really bad kisser while drunk... but I won't get into that. Saturday we rolled outta bed sometime before noon and ventured out on the town. Scoped out the bars, played in the city fountain, visited the art museum (which I enjoyed and everybody else was less than amused). We continued to waltz around the city, dress up and eat at a nicer restaurant, made a star bucks run, marveled at the policemen standing around some kindof crime scene outside the liquor store, and then headed back to the hostel. It was still relatively early Geoff and I still wanted to stay up and soak up the not so foreign atmosphere that resembled a smaller version of the Twin Cities. We ended up staying in and throwing back a few beers with other travelers at the hostel. Ivan- from Sweden, Holst (?) from ... I don't remember, Caleb from Nova Scotia as well as Bill- the owner of the hostel. Sunday, we woke up at noon (we are such early risers!) and ventured out for the last time. Found some food at an Asian bistro (sounds odd I know, bistro must mean something different in Canada) which was really good and over looked the baseball game- to which we paid little to no attention to, but cool none the less. To end our trip, we took a tour of the capital building which was really cool. On our way out of town, we topped off our trip with another order of poutine and headed south towards home. Over all, it was a really fun trip. Amazing people. Great times. I'll do it again.

Listen as your day unfolds,
challenge what the future holds
Try to keep your head up to the sky
Lovers they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted,
don't be shamed to cry
You gotta be..

Chourous:
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold,
you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough,
you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm,
you gotta stay together.
All I know, all I know
Love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Read the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzleS
in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My oh my,hey hey hey

Chourous

Time asks no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning, can't stop it if you tried to
The best part is danger staring you in the face

Remember Listen as your day unfolds,
challenge what the future holds
Try to keep your head up to the sky
Lovers they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
my oh my,hey hey hey....

Chourous (2x)

Got to be bold. Got to be bad
Got to be wise. Not ever sad
Got to be hard. Not too, too hard
All I know is, love will save the day

Chourous (repeat till fade)


~Des'ree

I am thinking about how much I miss Geoff...

 

 

Another day has almost come and gone
Cant imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes Id like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war (cause)

Tomorrows another day
And Im thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

Its almost like the hard times circle round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but Im not dead

Tomorrows another day
And Im thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

Im not gonna let it get me down
Im not gonna cry
And Im not gonna lose any sleep tonight

 

~Jo Dee Messina and Tim McGraw

So, this is not good. Why am I failing at life? Literaly. Well, actually, I know why but I'm just not sure what to do about it.  I'm not used to failing.  Why is it when everything is looking like it's clearing up actually is getting worse. 

 

Supposedly, I have ADD.

Failing classes.

Allergies? = Rash all over.

Sun? = Blisters on hands.

Not doing well in classes.

I don't want to major in Spanish.

I hate my advisor.

 

 

I just want to sit and cry in a corner.

 

Let life pass me by.

 

The only thing going well is my relationship with Geoff. 

 

I hate this.  I feel like I'm falling apart.  This is not the me I know.  I don't know what to do.  I'm trapped.  I feel helpless.  What can I do?  I keep dissapointing people (as well as myself), and I can't handle it.  Take me out and let me start over.  I'm sorry for all I've done.

 

There has to be a way to fix this.

 

I am not a failure.

I am thinking I have A LOT of unpacking to do...

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!

I want to be left alone

But I want somebody to hold me.

Don't talk to me.

I'm upset with somebody

But if I confront to her I'll be inclined to tair hair.

Don't talk to me.

I miss friends

But only a handfull miss me.

Don't talk to me.

I want to go home

But I CAN'T!

Don't talk to me.

I want to be done with this paper...

with my finals...

with college...

with everything!

DON'T TALK TO ME!

I don't want to major in Spanish anymore

But I don't have much of a choice.

For Christ sake, I'm half done packing already, and I don't move home 'til Tuesday!

I'm a bit grumpy.

I am feeling tiiiiiiiiiiired!!

So this weekend was the MIAC Conference track meet at St. John's and the weekend before finals. I've been in denial for SUCH a long time that now when I'm starting to snap back to life, I fear I'm too late to catch up. I just want to sit here and let life pass me by. I want to quit. Throw in the towel and raise my white flag and say "college has ruined me." Hope is quite scarce this time of year. People always come up to me (and I'm sure other people get this a lot to) and say "oh I have ___ and ____ and ___ and ___ and ___and ___ to do and..." blah blah blah blah I don't want to be insensitive, but finals time is stressful for everybody. For me, when people share school stresses like that, it does not make me feel any better that other people are just pinched for time as myself. I wish people realized the impact they have on others when they share their extensive list of things to accomplish. People are sensitive to things like that, and it affects people differently. Me, I just get super scared and quite depressed. One more thing while I'm on this rant... something that really really irritates me is when friends and aquaintences walk past me and say "Hi! How are you doing?" as if they have time to care. I'm not accusing people of not caring about me, but in all honesty, if you do not have time to sit and chat with me for 5 minutes, don't ask. Awknowledge my existance, smile if you are up to it, and continue on your way.


I'll be moving back home the night of Tuesday, May 22nd.

So, I was writing a analytical paper on Shakespeare's Sonnet 130, and I was inspired and wrote this poem.

Tell me what you think!

An Unconventional Display of Affection

My love for thee is like a yeast infection:
It makes me antsy and I lose sleep,
but always on my mind.

My love for thee is like dirty laundry:
Crumpled up in my basket,
but it’s always there.

My love for thee is like unfiltered water:
It may look dirty,
but it’s the best stuff I’ve had.

My love for thee is like greasy hair:
Looks kinda funny,
but it’s healthy.

My love for thee is like burnt brownies:
Tough on the outside,
but still good on the inside.

My love for thee is like constipation:
Painful when kept inside,
but liberating when finally in the open

My love for thee is like writing a paper:
Incoherent in the beginning,
but makes sense in the end.

I encourage you to read Sonnet 130, it's shorter than mine, but just as humorus!